It’s literally taken me years to figure this out. I like evidence to prove a thought rather than just reading about it on the internet.
The Christmas season of 2014 was a dark one for me. I won’t go into the details, but I was miserable. I wrote a very public (so obviously not on this obscure forum :-)) diatribe insulting some people I felt deserved insult (that much hasn’t changed), and afterward my feelings of guilt – which are just about constant to begin with – dragged me downward.
Last Christmas was similar. I had troubles relating to others, misinterpreting words, not communicating with loved ones. For me, when the communication stops with others, my imagination takes over and it isn’t very forgiving towards my welfare. I remember laying in a snowy meadow up in the Spray Valley with the dogs sitting beside me. I was staring up at the mountains and the clouds blowing in a high prevailing wind, crying.
This Christmas doesn’t seem much different. I’m unable to relate with others, unable to enjoy my jokes and laughter, barely able to feign a smile. I haven’t been running, haven’t been taking my prescribed “technology free” forest walks during the day. Haven’t been meditating. Getting out of bed is awful.
Seasonal Affective Disorder apparently impacts 4-6 % of the population to a severe degree. Given that my starting point of depression at the beginning of our long, dark winters is fairly high, even a mild period of additional emotional difficulty makes life hell. I labor through the holidays with loathing. Suicidal ideation is at an all time high.
But as I’ve maintained before, I’m not unhappy. I’m just not well. It takes significant effort to get through this. Today is December 21st, the darkest day of the year. Nothing but sunshine ahead, I hope.